but now it's something I do just to get him off my case. I can't figure out where my sex drive went or how to get it back. "
"Once my partner and I 'get started', I really
enjoy our sex life. The problem is I just don't ever want to get started."
"I always thought my husband and I would be
making love until we were 90. However, I just
turned 39 and my libido is nowhere to be found."
If these sexual issues sound familiar, you're
clearly not alone.
Experts say that a lack of interest in making love, even with partners we adore in many other ways, is not as unusual as we might think.
"A disappearing sex drive is a common problem
(sometimes in women as young as her thirties) and while it hasn't reached epidemic proportions yet, I think we're only seeing a small portion of the women who are affected," says Dr Rebecca Amaru, an expert in gynaecology.
Indeed, in one global study of sexual problems
published recently in the Journal of Impotence
Research, up to 43% of women expressed a loss
of sexual desire, beginning as young as at the
age of 40. Similarly, up to 36% of women who
were having sex reported they weren't enjoying
it.
Understanding your sex drive - or lack of it
For some women, a low sex drive or even the inability to have sex is linked to specific problems. According to sex therapist Dr Virginia Sadock, this can include illness, medications or sometimes even a specific physical problem related to intercourse. "It can also be the result of hormonal changes that begin in the forties. A lack of lubrication for example makes sex less comfortable and over time that can dampen desire", says Dr Christiane Northrup, author of The Wisdom of Menopause. When low sex drive is health-related, experts say, the solution is easy.
"For some women all it takes is a little dab of
either lubricant or oestrogen cream on the clitoral area. You can't believe how many women suffer, not realising how easy this problem is to solve", says Dr Northrup.
However, while for some women the answer
might be as close as that tube on the bedside
table, Dr Sadock says, for many others the lack of libido is intimately linked to the complex
emotional formula that makes up a woman's sex
drive.
"If a woman is upset, confused, tired, if she is
feeling overworked and underappreciated, even if she is not consciously aware of some problems
within her relationship, I can promise you that a
tube of lubricant is not going to be enough to
make her feel like having sex", says Dr Sadock.
The Journal of Impotence Research study found
that relationship problems were frequently at the heart of many women's low sex drive.
Moreover, Dr Sadock says other studies found
that even when a woman's body is turned on, she won't recognise it if she's not emotionally open to making love.
"In one study conducted in the Netherlands,
doctors found that even when measurements of
vaginal lubrication confirmed sexual excitement, a woman didn't perceive desire if she was not in touch with the idea of being turned on", says Dr Sadock.
This, she says, can also occur when self-esteem is low.
"When you don't feel good about yourself, if you
view yourself as undesirable, then you'll push
desire out of your mind as well", says Dr Sadock. Finding your sex drive again
So how do you coax your sex drive out of hiding? For women who need a little encouragement that intimacy is still within their grasp, Dr Sadock recommends giving fantasy a try.
"Put your partner out of your mind and focus
strictly on sex", says Dr Sadock. Imagine, if you
will, having the most wonderful, delicious,
glorious romp with anyone you desire (a film star, an old flame, a mysterious stranger) and then see how you feel.
"Even if you don't get overwhelmingly excited, if you can at least feel a sense of openness about sexual excitement, then there is little doubt that your desire is still intact", says Dr Sadock.
Ramp up low sex drive by resolving issues
"Many women are scared to even consider their
relationship as the cause of their desire issues
because they are afraid it means the marriage is
over, but this is not usually the case", says Dr
Sadock.
Indeed, she says, most often it's not the
catastrophic divorce-level problems that are
standing in the way, but rather a compilation of
small but very "fixable" issues that have just piled up over time.
"If you feel neglected, or taken for granted, if
you're angry because he spends more free time
with his brothers than with you, if you think that the only time he's nice to you is when he wants sex, these are often the kind of thoughts that eat away at a woman's sexual desire", says Dr Sadock.
Dr Amaru agrees and adds, "When I finally get
patients to open up about what is bothering
them, I often find they are simply overloaded in
their life - too much work, too many
responsibilities, too much on their shoulders, with too little help and acknowledgement from their partners."
If you can identify feelings of resentment or even anger, the next step is to talk to your partner - but not in an accusatory way.
Experts say avoid phrases such as "you make me feel horrible" or "you put me off when you ...".
Instead, start by assuring your partner that you
find him attractive and let him know this is about rekindling the great sex life you once had
together. "Few men can resist the opportunity to rev up their partner's sex drive", says Dr Sadock.
Now that you've got his attention, let him know
how much his affections matter to you and how
sexy you feel when he tells you you're attractive
or shows his appreciation for the little things you do.
"Let him know that you need to feel he cares for
and appreciates you all the time - not just when
he wants sex", says Dr Sadock.
It is also important to spend time together alone
away from the kids, the phone, the computer,
the TV, even for just 20 minutes a day. The goal, says Dr Sadock, is to relate to each other as man and woman - not just mummy and daddy, or even husband and wife.
One of the sexiest things you can do, she says, is make a date for lunch. "It's an interruption of the business day, and it takes real effort to put other things aside." Even if you're just going for a pub lunch, it can spark some romance in both of you.
For many women taking these few steps can
have an amazing and immediate impact on their libido. For others it may take some time to
rekindle the magic. What can you do to help the process along?
If you enjoy sex once it's been initiated, remind
yourself of that and go with it even if sexual
desire isn't apparent at the start, advises Dr
Amaru.
"This is not about forcing yourself to have sex
when you don't want to. This is about recognising that once you get started you enjoy it, and helping yourself to get over the barrier so you can enjoy it."
The more often you do that, she says, the more
likely you are to reconnect with your desires.
Finally, if self-esteem is the problem, do whatever it takes to make yourself feel sexy and pretty again. "Buy the lingerie that covers what you don't like, get a spa treatment that makes you feel good, dye your hair, go for a make-over, do what it takes", Dr Sadock says.
Moreover, Dr Sadock offers us this encouraging
thought to keep in mind: " It is a psychological
fact that when a man looks at a woman he
has known for a long time, his mind blends
how she looks at the moment, with how she
looked when he first met and fell in love
with her . So even if you see all the lines and
creases and bumps and bulges, he really doesn't. You actually look a lot better to him than you look to yourself."
The fact that he wants to make love to you, says Dr Sadock, tells you that he finds you attractive. So hold that thought and go for it.
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